Mynightmare7's Blog

What tomorrow brought

mynightmare7 — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 17:16:47 +0000

Well Tomorrow brought a bit of fun, for the time I was with her and the hang over as usual from my favorite drug called love to Her. The evening went great we both joked about our break up, she was trying to fish out if I am dating with anyone and was trying to let me know that is hard for her to get over me. I also figured she started dating with the guy she always told me about, but I am not sure might be just my jealous mind.

She didn’t invite me to her home after, which was sad of course, but it was needed as well. I would have no guts to say if she did invite me and who knows where would we be after. I think she felt sad as well. as didn’t respond to my txt for awhile probably just talking to her friend and telling her everything about the date. She wrote to me that is happy we are both happy and still support each other. I didn’t respond, I don’t where fuck is that coming from by happy is a big word and I am not happy yet.

I realized with her gone I am missing the excitement, no matter how tough the relationship got I was exited to be with her, to have sex with her. No when she is gone, nothing excites me not my work, not going out, not even having sex with someone else. That’s the main reason I been all over the place from trying to find sexy buddy to a future wife – I am trying to fill a void. That is hard to fill!

The toxic thoughts of her with someone else, also don’t create for a good mood. Need let go of them!

Surprising night

mynightmare7 — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 07:26:12 +0000

Wow this evening is full of surprises. Firstly she wrote me inviting me for a date, of course like a pussy I said yes right away. I don’t even know why I am doing it, but I was missing her so much this weekend. Especially after sleeping over with another girl on Friday. It was good to feel some warmth near me when I was sleeping, but again it made me her more.

Then another girl that I really liked how she looked like, but from far away and I was trying to talk to her like forever found me on another website and we chatted for like a half night. She seem like my type of person, too bad she is so far away though. Oh well it was nice to talk to her.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings!

A day in Haze

mynightmare7 — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 04:34:49 +0000

Spent the whole day in a pure haze. Couldn’t really wake up till like 1pm, didn’t anything the whole day. Did some work but not too much. Went for a date with a second person, she was nice but a bit fater than I thought and her face looked older than I thought. Those pics were defenitly not up-to-date. Nevertheless, I did like how her face looked like and invited her for a date, but she responded to me that we are better as friends. Well at least she was honest.

After that pretty much is a haze, just a lot of masturbation and no food. NEED TO EAT!

P.S. “H” the girl I went out during the weekend, was txting me too much today, she instantly became clinging. Which a huge turn off

She is still on a back of my mind

mynightmare7 — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 05:25:34 +0000

The girl I went out yesterday with, invited me today again for a date. I went to the same place we used to go with HER, it was kind of troubling. We had a nice dinner and good chat, no kiss. The girl seem to be really into me, but I don’t know if I am.

Then came home and chatted online with bunch of people, some kinky conversations as well. But now when I am laying down in bed, the thoughts of her creep in. I mean it was a good weekend, but just so many things remind me of her. I am starting to thing that perhaps dating right now is not a good idea. Perhaps I need to be lonely for quite some time to starve to be with someone else.

Perhaps there is not enough physical attraction to that girl that I went out with tonight, to make me forget her. She is a really nice girl, smart, beautiful eyes and ambitious attitude, yet I long for someone older than me with smokes out hands, a belly and someone that never wanted to make it with me for real. This is how crazy and twisted my mind is. I am going through changes, this is my new life – and I don’t know if I like it. I guess I need to enjoy this time as sooner or later I am going to get married and the life as I know it, will fucking stop. These changes don’t make me happy.

Went for a date

mynightmare7 — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 16:19:00 +0000

The later part of the week didn’t do much but felt better, sometimes even felt ridiculous rise of emotions. I guess this is partly due to me talking to bunch of girls plus her finally txting something while she was away. Yesterday went on a first date.

It was interesting experience, she had a really nice face and eyes just I like. She talked a lot, she seemed to be very similar to me in ambition and ability to talk a lot lol. The weird thing is I actually enjoyed the evening and didn’t want to leave her. She seemed smart, I felt like there was no pain and happy about being with her that time. I don’t how much of it was the make-up, how much of it was the wine and how much of it I actually liked?

Waking up in the morning with my regular Sunday hangover now, feeling a bit low thought about how crazy our first dates with Yale been, lots of forgotten memories are in my mind. Plus I imagine her doing the same thing I am – trying to date, which is kind of toxic right now – need to let go off it.

Overall weird feeling, on Monday I have coffee date. Will see how that goes.

Mornings became tough

mynightmare7 — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 15:04:32 +0000

Everyday I feel like I am further away from her, This break up is becoming harder, partly because we are not really talking like I thought we would. Lots of thoughts creep in my mind. The worse is waking up, thoughts about her are the first thing I am thinking which doesn’t really make it for a good start of the day. I just want to wake up one day and feel alright!

Rough couple of days

mynightmare7 — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 16:19:23 +0000

Fucking hit some rough couple of days. I miss her, I miss talking to her, I miss touching her and I miss looking inside her green eyes. Old memories of good times are appearing in my head. The dreams got even crazier, I dreamt that I have some black stuff coming out of my body and the more I tried to wash it, the more it would come out. Fucking nightmare.

She is going away this week, so I am sure there will be no communication. Through the whole time I didn’t even let her know that I miss her. I feel like I am close to bargaining stage right now. I think being on a dating website and imagining new date pushed me to it. I really don’t want to go through the whole getting to know each other phase again, I want her someone I know so well and someone who knows me very well.

I guess I need to remember that the relationship had to end of whatever reasons she chose, and I had my own reasons as well. Even though I wouldn’t have mind spending the rest of my life in that kind of relationship, I really did love her. At least this time I don’t really have a lot of hope, we’ve been through it so many times that the possibility of going back to her is pretty much non-existent, I don’t even want it – well I didn’t want it, but at this particular moment I do. I just want to fucking see her.

Rough patch, what can I say!

Therapy Session

mynightmare7 — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 19:39:38 +0000

Did something new today went to a group therapy session for newly separated and divorced people. I am still thinking about it, but I think it was a positive experience.

It was nice to hear other people from different ages and cultural backgrounds, pretty much going through the same thing I am. One older guy mentioned how tough are mornings and dreams for him. It is the same way with me.

Couple of things I learned:

-it looked like I am way better off than all of these people, so perhaps I should be feeling better sooner

-a person who decided to break up is miles ahead in terms of moving on than the other person, because they had some time to think about it. I think this is defenitly the case with me and her. She thought about it the whole time I was away, so that is why it might seem that she got over it faster

-The most important thing that I learned is that if you keep giving in a relationship without taking care of your own needs, this builds a feeling of resentment and in my case mistrust as well. I think for the past year for sure I was more of a giver and silent about my own desires, as I feared it would spark another conflict. This built in me the feeling of resentment, distance, disconnection and as a result distrust that manifested in my jealousy.

For the future I need to be aware that I got to balance between what I need and she needs, otherwise I won’t be happy and I guess the goal is to be happy!

My List of why she is not perfect for me

mynightmare7 — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:48:03 +0000

First of all I was a giver in a relationship. I pushed for it and I fought for it, she never did. She never planned any activities, she was never considering how I feel and was very self-centered on herself. She would go through periods of constant critism towards me and lack of affection. I guess the main reason is that she was never sure about being with me. She was always contemplating and looking for something better. She is a liar and a cheater. She never wanted to integrate me in her life. She kept lying to my face even during the all out cards argument. Did I say mood swings, selfish and self centered?

Fucking Dreams

mynightmare7 — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:31:48 +0000

Spent the whole day yesterday, doing nothing – just watching some stupid shows and playing video games. The day was completely mindless and quite as I didn’t talk to anyone. Went back to my old routine of watching movies till I completely pass out.

The night was weird though, I kept having vivid dreams about her. Nothing too bad, didn’t see her with another guy. But dreamt of meeting with her and touching her body. The mind works in a cruel way, I guess that is what I really want to do right now and what she doesn’t.

Signed up for a dating website, I am not sure if that will help but I might give myself some time and then try. Fuck another day I need to survive, she seemed to be everywhere from thinking about jeans to her signing up for eharmony when we broke up the first time. Actually now in total officially she broke up with me 4 times and that is not counting all the times she tried to cut off communication. What a selfish bitch!