Magnetic fields or true love? Or I am just crazy

I have bunch of posts before this one, but I have to write something right now. Yesterday I was feeling pretty low and I was about to blow up. I think it was combination of being physically tired and emotional exhaustion of missing Yale. I had a bad case of missing her yesterday.

I was inch close to writing to her that I am changed man and now I will be the best husband the world ever saw. Then  I thought I will just text like back in the day with “I miss you baby.” and then say I was drunk or something. Then I decided it would be more beleivable if I will do it at night when I am sleeping. I went to sleep thinking that I am fucking tired of missing her. I feel that I was wrong for not even thinking about marrying her, but damn I suffered enough for past 3 months can I get back now?

Anyways I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I will txt here, but then I started thinking what if she going out with some fucker tonight. Then I kept wondering if we still have that connection we once had, when we would txt each other at the same time all the time. I saw a scientific movie about love and they said that when people love each other their magnetic fields connect somehow.  We always had with Yale no matter where I was, I always new what is happening with her and I could always txt her and know that she will accept it well.

Yesterday I was thinking if it is all is gone then my txt might not come in the right moment at all. Basically I just kept wondering if we still have it at least a bit. With these thoughts I went to sleep. I woke up in pretty bad mood – lack of sleep and missing Yale. Went to the gym and got ready for one angry day when I saw that SHE SENT ME AN EMAIL. I mean to a lot of people this is nothing, but for me this was a sign that at least yesterday we connected.

This has totally calmed down a small email that said nothing except thanks for flowers again, but for me it mean the fucking world. It is pathetic, romantic, weird and hopeless all at the same time. I mean this gives me .00001% of a hope that I probably don’t need, but I like to feel. It is exactly like drugs. Like very strong drugs!

So I am in rehab right now or I am trying to, but I keep fantasizing about using drugs all the freaking time. I am thinking I would rather dye from overdose of love than live like this.

Nightmare is back

Spent a night thinking of is her reaction would be to the flowers. How pathetic is that? As usual couldn’t really get a good night sleep woke up around 5:30am and checked my email I was sure she didn’t write, but she did. She wrote me on facebook – I am not sure why there and not on email. Probably she was too lazy looking for my email address. It was a nice message I could see she was happy to receive flowers. Yet she didn’t write in a manner I hope for.

Again this is my diary, so I will be completely honest. Of course I wanted to make her feel good, but at the same time I hoped she would write something like she misses me too and that she wishes I was there. She did end the letter that she is giving me wet kisses, I guess that means on the mouth. That was the only thing that told she wants something to do with me, but maybe it is not.

I am so tired of guessing what she feels. Why can’t I just live without caring what she thinks? Like I don’t care about what everyone else thinks of me? During all this time I still didn’t cry once, I am not sure what is wrong with me. I am so fucking tired, tired, tired, tired, tired of feeling this way. I wish I wasn’t here today, but was somewhere by myself where I could get drunk or sleep all day or do something to pass this day.

I really don’t understand how people let other people go, people who they love. I mean they say that true love is not selfish and I feel it in someway, but at the same time I so want her to be with me. I would do anything for her, I would kill if someone will try to hurt her, but in the end of the day I am going to do it for myself and not for her. Does it mean that really my love is not that strong?

While writing about that I realized that while being away from her for 3 months my love to her just grew stronger, way stronger. I will need to live without facebook for couple of days.

Phew finally I wrote down this shit, I barely walked to this computer to be able to write this as I can’t really talk to anybody. I am SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY, someone get me the fuck out of my mind or make her wanna be with me again!

Fuck my dreams

Last couple of days were ok. RR is posting some weird facebook statuses, I am sure they are related to me, but I know if I will ask she will say there is no connection. I guess this is what happens when you ignore a woman who thinks everyone loves her, but damn we only went out twice, so I think it is a little too much.

Anyways I hope that story with RR will pass without too many consequences and she will be happy. I really wish it to her, she is an amazing girl just not right for me at all.

Bunch of things been bothering me though:

1) I keep seing scary dreams – every fucking night. I see a lot of dreams, but these days I see dreams that I remember every single day. I am not sure why it is happening. Couple of explanations might be that I am so busy during the day that my mind just doesn’t have time to be properly depressed and he takes the time at night. Another weird explanation is that my step mother’s Mom is sending some magic on me. My real Mom beleives that she is a witch and she looks that way as well. The weird thing is that she asked me in the morning what kind of dreams have I been seeing. I will need to read some Jewish prayers tonight. I was really disturbed by the dream tonight as I saw a girl in a blue dress who was my girlfriend ( I am not sure Yale or not as I only saw her spread legs) and she was asking me if she could sleep with my friend or my brother, but she still loves me. That really disturbed me, I guess I was thinking about Yale.

2) Second thing that drives me crazy is that tomorrow is Yale’s birthday, so what do I do? I order a $250 bucket along with Teddy bear for her daughter and balloons to be delivered. I am so worried she is somewhere else and I spent yesterday probably another $50 talking to office to make sure flowers get delivered on time. I wrote a short poem that basically says that she is the best and while I want to be with her I more wish that she will be happy. I am just wondering how is she going to accept them, what if she is already dating with someone else? That is the reason I didn’t buy candies, I didn’t want her to share them with him. Teddy bear if for her daughter and flowers for her. I am sure she will feel good and that would make me feel good. That is the precise reason why I am spending $300 on my ex gifriend. I just want her to already receive it , be happy and write me how amazing I am What bothers me is that I still care about her so much that I can’t spend so much money without a second thought. Which means only one thing I am still in love with her…. and that fucking sucks! Fuck my life

Writting from the train

I wrote this couple of days ago while sitting in the train and feeling really down:

I been home for 3 weeks now and I am managing to stay active and study for the damn exam. I want to ace it for myself to get back to my strength. I miss being with her so fucking much. I was supposed to meet her friend today hoping to learn something about how her feelings, but her friend cancelled for some bogus reason. So I don’t know why, but it brought me down. I was hoping I could talk to somebody who would understand.

It is a dark dark night

I am sitting in an empty cart

Inside the train of my life

Still wishing for her to be my wife

Faces on billboards are flying by

Distant lights from appartments

I wonder what goes inside each light

Are they lonely like me, do the hug or kiss

Missing her is a full time job

My dad asked me today if he had anything to do with Yale breaking up with me. I didn’t tell him in exact words, but I guess he did. I knew if I told him about Yale’s age and a daughter he won’t approve. We talked all day back and forth and I finally told him about T. He wasn’t too surprised, but he said it is not a good match since we can’t just get divorced in a year since it won’t be fair for T. I never thought about it, but he is right. He respects Yale a lot for making the step, I guess he is right. I would never have the balls to do it.

I did have balls to talk with RR and tell her that we should cool it off, since I am going to be gone by New Years and I don’t want to hurt her. Which is the truth, I kind of feel bad, but then at the same time I just wanted to see what is out there. I really didn’t meet her with intention to just have sex and move on. I wanted her to save me, but the connection just wasn’t there and I don’t think we would have been able to create it. Especially after what I experienced with Yale when it was so sudden and so strong and so lasting. I know how the real connection feels. Yet I am left to wonder if I will ever feel the same or I will spend my life loving her from afar.

I managed to see couple of her pics on facebook, she looks so beautifull, so pure, so familiar and so unachievable. I feel like a guy who had million dollars and then just gambled it away. I know the good life, but now it is time to go back to work and all I am left is remembering how I had that million dollars and hoping I will win it again. But what are the chances?

I guess this is not a positive post. Will I ever fucking heal?

Weekend with RR

I just came back home from spending a weekend or more like a night with RR. I am feeling so empty right now, I decided I got to tell her that we should stop pretending to be a couple since I don’t want to hurt her. Here is what happened:

She invited me to her home for a weekend. I felt exited at first, but then on the morning of me driving there Yale responded to my email, oh yeah I sent her an email just giving her update about myself. Yale copied my style and responded as well without even a single sign of her missing me or still loving me. Of course this letter shook me up a bit, even though I sent her exact same letter earlier this week. I don’t know what I feel either I am just stupid or selfish or both or I am just confused ex lover.

In any case while driving to see RR all I was thinking was Yale. RR cooked really nice dinner and we sat down and drank wine forever. I think we drank like 2.5 bottles it went down very smooth. When we finally got drunk we talked about relationships. She told me she is afraid to get hurt and from one hand she hated me ignoring her from another hand she likes it. After couple of playful remarks we moved to bed and same thing happened like last time she cummed couple of times without letting me really to get into it. She wanted me to cum badly, so I had to jerk off like crazy and finally I cummed.

After that all I could think about is Yale, RR passed out pretty quick and was coughing like crazy. I was thinking about that sense of familiarity I had with Yale, our evenings, her house and how compatible we were in sex. I decided I am going to smoke while driving back in the morning. In the morning I woke up way before RR and just laid down feeling that all I want is just to go home right now. I wanted to run away, I don’t know maybe it is just a natural male reaction or my fucked up selfish mind. I really don’t know. Through the thinking process I decided that I should not let RR suffer, because of me and when I will finally get home I will tell her that we need to stop seeing each other. It would be fair to her and me. Because even lying over there all I could think about is Yale. Yale. Yale.

I miss her and times with her so much. They say the best way to get over someone is get someone new, but it doesn’t work for me right now. Or maybe RR is just a not a right person to save me, because she doesn’t cut it for me sexually or emotionally. I came back home now and thanked for everything, she wrote me that she wants more passion and tenderness. I am sure she will get it, but just not from me.

Bottom line it is too early to talk about healing. I need to forget all the experiences with Yale or stop missing them. They couldn’t be that good I am sure it is just some mind trick. Gosh I do miss having sex with her after a nice dinner, hell yeah I do and that is the truth I can’t go around.

Well tomorrow I will tell RR that we should stop doing this stuff. I hope she reacts good, but I doubt it. Oh well it is better to do it now then later for sure.

Signs of healing

I been feeling better and better. Even when I think about Yale I already don’t feel the hope of getting back to her, but only sad feeling that it is over. Honestly, it is easier to live this way.

I been talking to RR a lot, but I don’t know how long it is going to last. She seem to want me talking to her 24/7 and sometimes I feel like she is even trying to push me to that. I guess she is used to guys running around her, but of course this is not me in general and I also don’t feel like running around nobody right now. So I don’t know if those two things will even fit. We had a talk yesterday and I told her a bit more about myself and my character, she finally said that she realizes that she doesn’t know me really well. Duh, what did she think that she knew me as a friend in school and then didn’t see me in 7 years and she would just meet me and marry me? RR is really nice and I love women, but sometimes their ways just confuse me.

Fortunetly, right now I am in such a stage that I don’t care that much. I just take it day at a time and slowly coming back to sarcastic, energetic me. I found that the key to healing yourself is to help other people heal. So I been spending a lot of time with my brother trying to keep him away from all the bullshit that happens on the street. I think when you hurt yourself and you see other people hurt, you can just understand them better and you know what to do. Tonight we are going to a theatre studio it might be a great experience for us. I think both of us are two natural actors and you learn a lot from acting.

In the morning I went to a gym with my Dad, first physical activity since mountain biking trip with B. Feels weird, but feels so good. Cigaretes are leaving my body and I am sleeping fine without sleeping pills, that is amazing in itself. Feeling all good and stuff I wrote a letter to Yale today. Not talking about my relationship anymore with her, but just telling her about my life. If she didn’t change that much, I think she will enjoy reading it. But who the hell knows. Will see if she ever answers, sometimes she wants to answer people, but then she gets busy and forgets and never answers. Then people start to bug her with messages, but I am done with that stage a already.

Next week I am meeting her best friend over here that would be interesting conversation. I am planning to show her that I am full of life and feeling good. No talk about bring Yale back. That is the plan will see how it works out.

A numbing pain

It is saturday night and I am finally am able to work. I had a migraine all day today due to crazy weather in Israel and of course it was worsened by a hangover. The pain of missing her is somewhere on a background and sometimes my heart just physically starts to hurt. While I am doing work I have a whole background process working on my experience with a girl this Thursday, thats right it took me some time but I was with a beautiful girl this Thursday who wasn’t a hooker. It was a nice experience, but it might have created more questions than erased.

Ok so little bit about a girl. We used to go to school together, so I pretty much know her for 10 years now. We were in pretty good terms in school and I always felt that she has some hots for me. She is beautiful model tall and model thin with a curly red hair I will call her “RR”. We talked a bit over the phone while I was still in Canada and finally met when I travelled to spend couple of days with my closest friends over here that live in a separate apartment in the middle of nowhere.

RR wanted to see me so much, which I really didn’t expect that she cancelled her work and took a 3 hour train to spend an evening with me Micky and A (my friends, more about them in some other posts). She looked really good and stylish when she finally arrived. I been drinking Red Label for awhile and I was in a good mood when she came. Micky, I and her went to buy some food and she cooked some nice past right away. I don’t know whether she was very hungry or she wanted to show me her domestic skills.

After a nice meal we sat around and chatted forever, by that time I finished around half a bottle of red label and was pretty lightheaded. When people started to walk off I talked to RR and said that I like her and then kissed her. She didn’t mind at all. Micky suggested going to a club, I really didn’t want to, all I was thinking about is everyone leaving and me staying with RR in bed, but we she wanted to go so off we went. I started to feel bad in a car and had to puke my guts out on the street. RR and Micky made me drink 2 litre bottle of water and puke it out again. That helped me to clear my head a bit and allowed to walk on my own two feet to a club.

After some time in a club I suggested her we take a cab and take off, she didn’t mind. So went to Micky’s home and A was sound asleep. I didn’t want to assume she is going to have sex with me that night, so I suggested to RR that I can sleep on a couch, but she said she didn’t mind and went to a shower. I thought about wearing a T Shirt and stuff, but then I thought fuck it and undressed till my underwear.

When she finally came in I thought it will take her some time to take off her cloth and we would kiss, but she just jumped right over me. Her body was so different from Yales, so young, smooth and thin. While many would consider it the perfect body type it is not my type really. In any case the experience was nice, she is very different from Yale and she managed to cum twice. I didn’t cum a single time as it takes me a long time and every time I would start some serious ground and bound she would cum and ask me to stop.

Next day we were both hangover and stayed in bed for half a day, then took a cab to a train station. Some light talking and light kissing nothing more. Exchanged couple of texts that we miss each other and it is the end of that story for now.

Now about my feelings since that was the first experience with a girl who actually wanted me without being a hooker. My thoughts:

-RR is very nice girl, creative, thoughtful and seem pretty kind. However, I have hard time reading real her, I don’t know when does she get mad and what her interests are.

-A doubt that me being financially well-off and living in Canada has something to do with her almost immediate attraction is there, but I know she liked me from back school so it might have been that. Plus we do have some sort of immediate connection not as burning hot as with Yale, but it is a connection

-I think I am more compatible in terms of sex with Yale, I don’t weather it is because we had so much of it that we learned to please each other or because of my love to her and her genuinely turning me on and the connection it was on a whole different level. I mean sex with RR was great a lot of people would probably think it was amazing, but honestly it is nothing compared to Yale.

-I am confused about RR whether she is a rebound or my future love, I don’t know whether I can love her. The more time I spend with her the more I like her, however it also makes me miss Yale a lot, because she is different from Yale. I am not stupid I understand that every person is different and that RR has a lot of different things that Yale didn’t have and she is not worse than Yale just different, but I still miss those things about Yale. It seems that right now I even miss bad things about Yale

The bottom line I don’t know whether the experience with RR helped me or not. It is so hard to believe people now, I still miss Yale like crazy, but I think I am on a road of no return already. I guess I need to give it sometime and figure out.

P.S. This is the longest break in communication with Yale in 3 past years, I wonder how she feels. Weather she started to forget who is it like talking to me or she actually misses me. Maybe I should write her a letter.

Still want to be with her

Showed my dad the song I am working on, he doesn’t understand english, so I translated it so he understands the meaning. He liked it, he finally asked me why did she leave me. I explained the reasoning she gave me and he was impressed with her. Her being able to take such a serious step, he said that she is really strong and I need to give her a respect step away and let her be happy.

Now I know what my dad says makes sense and I would suggest if that was my friend. The problem is that I am too damn selfish to feel it, bottom line for me is that for whatever reason woman I love left me and I am all alone during cold nights.  So to be honest I still want to be with her, because I think I can make her happy and I know she will make me happy. Actually I care about myself, I just don’t want to feel that loneliness without her, I want to feel her heat badly but she is not here.

I wrote her best friend asking when is my exes birthday and also if she wants to hang out while I am in Israel. Let’s see what comes out of it. It would be cool to hang out with her and not talk a word about my ex.

Tomorrow I am going to see my friends, that is exiting. I know that I am going to get drunk that is just inevitable. I just will try to stay strong and not smoke

Slepless Night

It is my fourth night back home. It feels like a lifetime, life is so different here that even though I was gone for such a long time when I am here my life in North America seems surreal and like a dream. I almost feel better, all my feelings are just numbed and I am so concentrated on the projects and my family issues that the only time I think about her is the night or when things just pop out at me.

It is less challenging to live through the day here, but the nights when I am alone with my computer without a steady internet, tv with a breaking sound and rain outside is the time when I keep thinking about coming back and being afraid of it. I think of her and I miss her, I don’t her to be with anyone else. If anything I am jealous as hell.

Maybe when I heal myself from all of these electronic devices are going to work? It is weird I feel instaneously better, I am just so afraid that this wave is going to disappear. My dad joked today that I am so comfartable in my depression, that I am actually afraid it is going to go way. From one hand he is wrong as I all I want is to be happy, from another hand he is right as it is probably easier to lay on a bed and do anything except drinking pills and feel pain. Easier, than feeling the pain and live everyday through it and still work hard and hope for the best. I been strong and redeeming for last four days, but these are mere four days. I wonder how long the quide tide is going to last?